If Jersey Shore Went to College: Admissions Advice for the MTV Stars
With the second season of Jersey Shore in full bloom and the insanity turned up to eleven, our college admissions experts decided to give a few cast members some free advice (not that they can't afford their own). We mean no disrespect; the cast must be doing something right, but we thought these tips might be helpful just in case those weekly 20K paychecks aren't part of a life-time deal.
So here are some useful tips that should benefit everyone, not just the Jersey Shore folks.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Round out the resume
The Situation would be an excellent candidate for a degree in exercise physiology. He's obviously a student of the human body-not least of which his own. Possible future "employers" have even taken notice; the reality of The Situation was first realized when a captivated but married woman walked by a shirtless Mike at a discotheque and was moved to point at his 8-pack.
This is not to say Sitch will be a cinch with the admissions committee. He needs more varied extracurriculars. You don't have to be a professor to know that too much time spent thinking about the Body can cause the Mind to atrophy. And then there's the question of the statute of limitations on his high school transcripts. Mike claims he was born only 27 years ago, though those crow's feet around his eyes hint at a *problem* with his birth certificate. He could probably explain the wrinkles away in his personal statement - blaming inclusion within a religious sect that worships the sun - but they could still raise eyebrows.
Lastly, letters of recommendation could be hard to come by. Sitch has never really been the most honest broker in the tumultuous romantic relationship between co-stars Ronnie and Sammy. And roommate Vinny would never say anything nice about Mike behind his back (or to his face). With eclectic experience comes a nice variety of references. But we guess there will always be his "brother from a different mother," B.F.F. Pauly D.
Speaking of Pauly...
Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio - Show the spike
DJing is a wonderful skill. The admissions officers are going to eat it up. He should mention the turntables and the microphone early and often in his essays. Most other applicants are dabblers -starting and joining bogus committees just to appear well-rounded. There are two kinds of applicants: generalists and spikers. Generalists do a lot of things well, but nothing great. Pauly is the opposite and he should flaunt his spikiness in the personal statement. Say what you want about Pauly D., but the guy knows how to work. Anyone who has seen Pauly rock the house at Monfortes Bar in East Providence knows he deserves a shot to shake the fraternity houses on campus for four years.
Pauly might have to convince folks that the styling of his popular coiff won't make him late for class. He should probably consider submitting a supplemental essay on the topic. He would be wise to assure the committee that that though it takes up to 25 minutes to style his famous hair, he'll prevent tardiness by merely waking up 25 minutes earlier than the rest of the student body.
He should also be prepared to answer questions about parting with his cherished Cadillac Escalade (and its tanning bed in the back). Most schools don't support first-years having cars on campus and Pauly D must be willing to be separated from his beloved wheels.
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi - Sell your leadership skills
The only cast member with her very own Wikipedia page, Snooki certainly capitalizes on her American opportunities - something that admissions counselors always find very appealing. That is not to say fame doesn't have it downsides; in this era when privacy is harder to protect than the Alamo, Nicole has a lot of bad things floating around the Internet about her. Whether it be getting arrested for disorderly conduct on the beach or spending $395 on a pair of diamond glasses that hurt her vision, Snooki might have some explaining to do to in front of the committee.
Nevertheless, it is clear that Snooki is more confident this season. She's become something of an alpha female in the house - and the other ladies now turn to her for leadership. Accordingly, she should own her mistakes on her application. With CEO-like agility, she should answer any/all the following questions in her essays: Would you create your own major and study jewelry-making? How have you fully integrated into Italian culture even though you were born in Chile? How much hairspray does one really need to accomplish "the bump"? Leaders always address concerns.
Jenni "JWoWW" Farley - Highlight your entrepreneurship
If the Head & Shoulders commercial is right, and you never really do get a second chance to make a first impression, JWoWW could have some problems getting into school. Most of us met Jenni for the first time during the opening credits of the show when she notorious disclosed "After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off." Plus with such subject-pronoun disharmony she may also have to explain away a low SAT Verbal score.
We suggest that JWoWW shine a spotlight on the success of her clothing line. Admissions officers have long admired the entrepreneurial spirit, and anyone who puts out a "sexy but sophisticated" line of clothing is worthy of a pat on the back.
She should also shape her application to highlight her loyalty. We all know how clannish school can be - long live the days of walking around in packs of seven - and JWoWW clearly has the backs of all her peeps. When Jenni confronted Angelina this season because she was talking shiz about her friends J420, Joey-Angst, and Bill-it was the greatest moment of solidarity on television since Band of Brothers went off the air. And whenever you're mentioned in the same sentence as a Steven Spielberg production you can get in almost anywhere.
So there you have it; Ronnie, Sammi and Angelina will have to tune in next week. Regardless, you don't need a camera crew following you around the club to take our advice; these tips apply to everyone, and should help everyone apply.
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